I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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