I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
