The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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