i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
