you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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