I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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