i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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