census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
