He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
