i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
