I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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