i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
