I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
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