3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
