Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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