last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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