member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
