FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
