yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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