its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
