that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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