did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
