Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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