My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
