mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
