I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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