Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
