worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
