you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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