My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
