Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
