i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
