she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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