I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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