I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
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