I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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