Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
What drink are we having for lunch?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
