I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
