guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
