If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So squirting runs in the family.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
