it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
