I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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