Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just pynch a tree in the face
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
