Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
