I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize