Her vagina should come with caution tape.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
