Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She's just so happy...and so naked.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
