Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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