i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
My vagina just recognized that song.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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