I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
