The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
