i may or may not be watching the land before time
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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