while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize