He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
