last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
