I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
