It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The power of my boobs compel you
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
