pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
