I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
